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Writing for myself (25)

What is happening?

Too many things happened, I have tried my best to feel ok and take things easy, like a guy I knew, every time I asked how his day was, the answer often was … how to translate it … like spinning around, being in deep sh*t but that made his day, his normal day. I saw how optimistic and calm he was, then I started to think about myself. Cannot be weak and stupid all the time, cannot act like a fool to handle all the starving tigers outside. That is harmful to everyone.

Forget it. Oh holiday, addicted to holidays, wanna visit many places -this time I have to admit that I desire to run away on my own. Hanoi is cold, so cold that you could barely breathe. The wind keeps howling as if it wants to touch your bare heart to freeze it but cannot do anything, so it gets mad. Where is the sunshine by the way?

 

Losing self command

That’s my problem all the time. Too happy all the time, laughing and talking too much.

And It’s too easy for me to get angry, I can’t control myself. Act like an insane one, and make mistakes too often at work.

Calm down,be nice, be good and decent – ugzzz but it’s hard . Things doesn’t work that way, I have to go, I dont wanna stay in Hanoi anymore. I love this city, of course, but it does’t mean I belong here.

To leave for an other country, I need a perfect preparation, and now – I’m not yet ready, it seems to me that I’m never ready for anything. I got stuck in my comfort zone. I get lots of time but still screw things up.

Somehow – I have to find out  my own passion. I was asked by a man – what is your passion in life? and .. that question WAS stuck in my head – cannot figure it out… I can’t go down on this path, it’s not me – not this way. I dont know who I am – or maybe I have never ever known. I’m something useless. I feel helpless. But I dont have a real plan to disappear, need to save money first, right? But where to go? What job are you gonna choose? Why? Why do you wanna leave for another country?

Changing job, living place, without changing yourself — does that make sense? Nope, obviously. This week I have an appointment with my best friend, we went to the university together, we have been together for 4 years, some people walked in out life and walk out but still important to us 😉 just want her to know I still love her so much.

Uhm ex-coworker, he asked me whether or not my ex-boss paid me salary fully since I was there, I know what they are worrying about, they should know the man they are working with, but how the hell I could tell them? I can’t, no one is bad totally and no one is good totally. To me – he is good one, but to them- he is not, so what should I do, of course if I reveal all the bad deeds he’s done , they will have to careful to work with my ex-boss. Ms. G, uhm.. you still dont know yet? She has a new job, and she will never come back that place.

Ok, get back to my own problem. HUmzzzz. stuck obviously.

done, I’m done, and sometimes I would like to take my own life. why not now? It appears to me that taking my own life doesn’t make sense either. I need something to do to keep myself occupied.