Something wrong in me.

Wake up in the morning, dont feel so right, just kind of like a robot, automatically get up and have a shower, brush teeth, wash my face…. after all these “old procedures” I really feel alive.

Not much to say, in fact, things around are boring, sometimes I cant distinguish leading a simple life and leading a meaningless life. It’s same same in other people’s eyes. I dont bother to think about it too much, just wondering what I am doing and for what, if it is the best thing I could do for my future or not, I’m afraid that it’s not and I have not tried my best to achieve all I want yet. I’m a greedy girl in this busy world.

Today —– I dont wanna do anything. Hey do you know that looking at someone from head to toe is rude. No one is comfortable about it.

Ah.. I’m waiting for my sister to give birth to the second child, a princess, my little girl, I dont know, I’m just too excited about her, what she looks like, what is she like or maybe – curios about her face… it’s like there are too many plans I made, and just waiting for a right time to execute. She is something new added in my boring life, something colorful in my black and white picture, and something meaning full between tone of non-sense things.

Bad luck all the time – eyes disease..  get too many things to study and then.. boom.. all is delayed because there is a girl who all the time puts things off till tomorrow. Tomorrow never comes unfortunately…..

 

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Small talk

Saw an old friend today on FB, she chose to become a teacher in primary school, not high school. When I studied with her, she was quite outstanding, clever, and beautiful as well. She was good at math (not better than me – as I remember), literature, and some others. Haha , I was also not too bad at literature ;), just didnt focus on it. The point is that I dont think she made a bad decision but if I were her, I would not be a teacher!

When we were at grade 7, our head teacher told us that we would be 2 successfull girls! Shame on me – I am not, end up loser, to be clear! And my friend – yeah she is, maybe maybe not, success in her own way – a teacher!

Let’s talk about her….

I see she is into it, her handwriting is striking, since she was a student, she always wrote carefully on her notebook – not like me, I tried to write as fast as I could no matter how ugly it was (I’m still not a careful one – all I care about is result, just like Math, when I was at school, I didn’t give a damn about how a math solved logically, just the result was correct, then it was enough, until now, things are the same, no matter what I do at work, work is done well, than I’m done, of course I show a good attitude all the time – because I have to love my job). Ok, come back to her, see what she is dealing with everyday – her student – little kids, poor facilities, remote area, it’s too different from busy cities, or even our hometown –  her friends are young inexperienced teachers, who sacrifice their youth for teaching children how to write letters, do math – take away, sum, sing children songs, draw pictures…

But … all those things are nightmares to me

There are many things interesting out there – why do you lock yourself in the cage like that?

Look,  you get married, have one kid, be a teacher – it’s considered “complete” in our culture (PERFECT!, YOUR PARENTS MUST BE PROUD OF YOU)

Me – single – no even boyfriend – a job in Korean company – that is considered “unstable job” – SUCH A LOSER IN MY PARENTS EYE

It turns out, only you feel happy for what you have is enough.

Maybe she doesnt see her life as I do, maybe she is very happy, she loves her student, her small family… and she is be loved!

I have another life!

Time…

Saw cousin’s picture of you in her house, and relized you get older, time flies so fast that I feel like I’m in short of time to do everything! You blamed me for not calling you and mom, right?

Dad, I love you, of course, but I’m tired of you and mom’s expectation, this family expectation, I’m not my sisters!

Get fed up with question: how is your work? From parents! I dont know! ok? You are running out of time and i am still not rich? Not settle down yet? Is that my fault? Yes….. mine, but please, please think… I’m not that good, talented, or gifted, I’m just an ordinary girl, young and unexperienced, how could I get rich at 24 years old? How? Why dont you think that I’m happy with all the things I have, and that’s enough? This is Hanoi – capital city, it’s much competitive than our hometown, you know?

Yes… you and mom dont need any money from me, you just want me to have a “strong financial ability”, not “unstable income” status! I got that! How, how could I please you all?

Anyways, I’m sorry for who I am….

And take my own life is not a clever choice! Am I your burden?

Move on…

what if I dont wanna move on, there is always something worth remembering forever. If it doesn’t hurt you, it makes you smile, sometime it makes you sad, then it’s ok to keep it in mind.

One more week, I need to focus on my new job now, I have been here for 2 weeks without knowing anything, I cant connect things together, still out of communication between customers, mother company and vendors… I got lost in the past, I cant tell you how much I still concern about my old job, how things are going there, ex-boss, how he is doing, how are his contractual partners…

Now, look, I got a huge problem with communication, Mandarin, Korean, it takes time to learn, and time is the thing I’m in short.

Focus… dont look down on current job here, yes, no need to rush doesn’t mean no need to try hard, right? Ah… there are 2 perfect girls I know (a guy – my sister friend considers them as perfect ones, not me, he compared me with them many times – thanks) they get married. To people it’s a good thing, to me, no —- nightmare. I wanna lead a simple life in freedom, freedom and peace. So.. if there is anyone who urge me to get married, I’ll fight back for my own interest and right.

Just need to focus on my job and enjoy life as I’m doing. Take it easy, ok?

Some people walked in my life and walked out, but still stay in my heart, so I hope one day, I see you again. To my close university friend, I miss you, do you miss me, young lady?

 

A peaceful soul

Looking down the street from the balcony with a coffee in hand, I realized I miss the language I used to speak, I’m into it.

It’s flower season in Hanoi, you can see flower on many streets, weather is amazing too, cool, sometimes sunny and windy. Everything seems perfect, or at least, I feel happy, happy without any reason… let me tell you a story (i am not a good story teller) there is a young lady, who desires to make money – the more, the better! She is not ambitious, pushy, but her mother wants her to be rich, as rich as her sisters!

Look, she is just a little girl, an introvert, who is trying to please her family. No one sees how she lives, how she strucgles along on a tiny income, not that tiny in comparision to others girls at her age – but yeah, it is – she cannt be rich. She used to feel sorry for herself, jealous to girls who are loved, supported, cared by their family, but no longer! So far, she doesn’t give a shit about all those things, and lives her life – you know what, she loves flower, she loves coffee so so much, and lipstick, bra, clothes too, she is easy to be hurt! No one knows who she truly is, she doesn’t know either!

And she loves Hanoi, much more than any city in Vietnam, what makes Hanoi special to her? Summer breeze, Thuy ta icream, friends (not many, just a few in fact) but it’s a place that she could live with her dream, her passion, and it’s where she belongs to! She is happy without love – somehow the young lady has found peace inside!