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Losing self command

That’s my problem all the time. Too happy all the time, laughing and talking too much.

And It’s too easy for me to get angry, I can’t control myself. Act like an insane one, and make mistakes too often at work.

Calm down,be nice, be good and decent – ugzzz but it’s hard . Things doesn’t work that way, I have to go, I dont wanna stay in Hanoi anymore. I love this city, of course, but it does’t mean I belong here.

To leave for an other country, I need a perfect preparation, and now – I’m not yet ready, it seems to me that I’m never ready for anything. I got stuck in my comfort zone. I get lots of time but still screw things up.

Somehow – I have to find out  my own passion. I was asked by a man – what is your passion in life? and .. that question WAS stuck in my head – cannot figure it out… I can’t go down on this path, it’s not me – not this way. I dont know who I am – or maybe I have never ever known. I’m something useless. I feel helpless. But I dont have a real plan to disappear, need to save money first, right? But where to go? What job are you gonna choose? Why? Why do you wanna leave for another country?

Changing job, living place, without changing yourself — does that make sense? Nope, obviously. This week I have an appointment with my best friend, we went to the university together, we have been together for 4 years, some people walked in out life and walk out but still important to us 😉 just want her to know I still love her so much.

Uhm ex-coworker, he asked me whether or not my ex-boss paid me salary fully since I was there, I know what they are worrying about, they should know the man they are working with, but how the hell I could tell them? I can’t, no one is bad totally and no one is good totally. To me – he is good one, but to them- he is not, so what should I do, of course if I reveal all the bad deeds he’s done , they will have to careful to work with my ex-boss. Ms. G, uhm.. you still dont know yet? She has a new job, and she will never come back that place.

Ok, get back to my own problem. HUmzzzz. stuck obviously.

done, I’m done, and sometimes I would like to take my own life. why not now? It appears to me that taking my own life doesn’t make sense either. I need something to do to keep myself occupied.

 

 

Something wrong in me.

Wake up in the morning, dont feel so right, just kind of like a robot, automatically get up and have a shower, brush teeth, wash my face…. after all these “old procedures” I really feel alive.

Not much to say, in fact, things around are boring, sometimes I cant distinguish leading a simple life and leading a meaningless life. It’s same same in other people’s eyes. I dont bother to think about it too much, just wondering what I am doing and for what, if it is the best thing I could do for my future or not, I’m afraid that it’s not and I have not tried my best to achieve all I want yet. I’m a greedy girl in this busy world.

Today —– I dont wanna do anything. Hey do you know that looking at someone from head to toe is rude. No one is comfortable about it.

Ah.. I’m waiting for my sister to give birth to the second child, a princess, my little girl, I dont know, I’m just too excited about her, what she looks like, what is she like or maybe – curios about her face… it’s like there are too many plans I made, and just waiting for a right time to execute. She is something new added in my boring life, something colorful in my black and white picture, and something meaning full between tone of non-sense things.

Bad luck all the time – eyes disease..  get too many things to study and then.. boom.. all is delayed because there is a girl who all the time puts things off till tomorrow. Tomorrow never comes unfortunately…..